I Really Wonder...

I did some shooting and one on one today. Shooting was okay, but one on one was not very pleseant. I lost to Teo Hong and barely beat Si Yuan, but the point here i am trying to state is not that i lost or won, is the proccess of the lost or victory. I want to win, in everything. I don't want to lose. Since i was a kid, i always wanted to win, but i could not handle failure well, i would always break down. I could not finish my underbaskets well, i have no idea why. I need to improve some more. I'm not the best player on the team, i'm not the pillars that hold the team, i'm nothing important in the team. I'm being pessimistic... but it's just difficult to look on the bright side. I want something that is near impossible for me to accomplish, but yet i cling on to that hope of accomplishing it. I really wonder, if i do not make the team, what would happen? i don't have an answer to that, ever since secondary 1 its been the same question, frankly i never found any joy in training unless i have performed well. My coach once asked me, if i would choose to receive a jersey that i did not earn or work hard but fail. I don't want a jersey i did not earn, i don't feel pride wearing it, but i don't want to fail too. I just made a team count 4 sec 2s ( made team last year ), 3 dsa, brandon yap, ryan chin, daniel, joseph. There is only one place left in the team, so many people fighting for it. Even now, i know my coach believes brandon has surprassed me, maybe its a wrong judgement on my part, but i just think so. What use am i left? Brandon is a sec 1, i'm a sec 2. He would obviously get priority. I hate worrying, but i just can't stop myself, I want that team place so badly...